It can be tough love, love in a cold climate, a hunk-a-hunk of burning love. What matters is that New Labour is not only committed to the basic principle of love but will be taking day-to-day, practical steps to spread it around among the ordinary people who matter so much to us."Will there be a Ministry of Love Affairs?"No, but there will be a task-force," said Dave. "We'll get a whole lot of high-profile, feelgood personalities – Gary Lineker, Carol Vorderman, Geri Halliwell, David Jason – and have them photographed together for the press and TV."I put it to the Love Tsar that there was more than a hint of spin to this campaign – that cynics might see it as a way of diverting attention away from the Government's failings."Not at all. We'll be looking at institutions – hospitals schools, railway companies – and putting in place love league tables so the public have access to basic information about their local services. As for individuals, we'll be asking the simple question, 'Do you believe in love?' Those who answer 'Yes' should support the Government. Those unwilling to join the love train, on the other hand, will have to face the consequences."That sounded a touch authoritarian, I suggested."Not at all As a government, we believe in individual choice.

So, if you are prepared to reach appropriate love targets, that's fine. If you are not, then life may become rather more difficult when we pass our Love (Non-Affection Capital Charge) Bill in the next Parliament."I asked Dave whether there would be any government investment in the new project."Of course. I've already briefed an advertising agency to come up with a slogan – 'Let the feeling grow' is my favourite at the moment. Posters showing Tony, surrounded by kids from all ethnic backgrounds, maybe in a children's ward, will be up on hoardings soon. We're encouraging the BBC to put on a big charity night, with loads of famous people handing out awards to plucky ordinary people – nurses, teachers, have-a-go heroes etc – whose love quotients have been notable during the year."So this was not, in any way, an attempt to divert attention away from investment in public services, then."With a bit of luck,'" laughed the Love Tsar "That was a joke by the way We're great believers in humour in this government. In fact, we're hoping to appoint a Humour Tsar very shortly."terblacker aol More from Terence Blacker.

Writing his first screenplay, Christopher Isherwood identified the biggest problem: a prince was chatting up a peasant girl in the market, and Isherwood realised he had no idea how peasants talked. They had no idea how hobbits talked either (not, of course, that Tolkien did either). The screenplay is, thus, a lemon, and the film's best effects, energetic fight scenes and stupefying length can't conceal that fundamental, disabling fact.Hang on, is that true? The film's inspired the best press of recent times and taken so much money you couldn't write the figure out on a single sheet of paper. My 12-year-old says it's the best film he's seen, beating Gladiator, The Matrix, Raiders, The Lion King and Casper.I used to agree with the boy's every critical judgement (he was particularly good on Something About Mary: "Needed more burning dogs"). But now we have parted company.The hobbits aren't – how can I put it? – real They hop around doing Rada's Rural Stereotypes 101. The actors can't bring the the script alive because there's nothing living to work with.Connected with this problem: there's no story in the narrative. No sense of character grappling with events, and being changed by them.